Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Doucheness

Kieren made a comment in the last thread about Billy's new songs. What I want to know is are they being released as he goes or are they done and are they being released in a steady stream (one every two weeks)?
That's an actual question by the way, I could look it up by myself but I could also keep typing about something else.

Also Teargarden By Kaleidyscope is a really wanky name but whatever, you take the good with the bad. I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the idea of a made-as-you-go boxset either. Melancholy worked because it felt like a cohesive album. It felt like you were meant to listen to beginning and play it through to the end. I'm speculating here but I'm guessing playing the whole boxset beginning to end would be mishmashy, kind of like Machina 2... which I'm not sure if I consider an album.
Who cares.

Speaking of wanky, I have to get this off my chest... it's brett's mum's voluptuous manass. You read that right, MANass.
Anyway not that, I've been meaning to rant about something for a while now, over a year I guess, though I haven't had the time or whatever.

There was a dude last year (and presumably this year too) who used to walk around my uni with a wanky looking copy of 'Also Sprach Zarathustra' and quoted it to his friends and his friend's friends which is how I heard it.
Now this is what I have to say about it:
A) This guy is a major douche.
B) Why do it for? Are you trying to seem like you are some kind of deep philosopher who has a greater understanding of the universe and is therefor better than the people you are qouting it to?
C) If B is true then why are you quoting something that everyone who has every done a philosophy class has read, or is at least aware of. Something that your lecturer probably rammed down your throat.
It's like coming up to someone and quoting 'Tale of Two Cities'.
Wow! 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'. Holy Shit! Never heard that before and even if I had I never would have appreciated it unless you came up to me and quoted it while I'm eating my lunch.

What a fag.

That felt good. Now that's not to say I've never done douchey things myself but at least my doucheness is hilarious. Remember Aereon? Nay Neigh? What the fuck was I on.

Oh and Teargarden better have an album cover that approaches this greatness or I will be pissed.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Devil Will Cry

It's almost cliche (I can never get the accent to come up) to start the post with a comment about how no posts have been made in a while, so I'm going to start with a fart. Classy.



Anyway, I've been busy writing a second novel, the first one I did took the best part of three years and I, personally, thought I sold out with the ending. Also, I've come to realize that the main character is a twat. Those three people that have read it seem to think it is legitimately scary though I could have got the same effect by posting a photo of Brett's mum's... you know how it goes... ah, to hell with it, her sagging triple testicle surprise.



The surprise is she has three testicles.



That's not a good surprise.



Back to the second novel, it too is shit. Possibly more shit than that shit that I previously considered shit.

(I stopped writing here confident that when I came back in a few days I would recall what the hell my point was... i can't, so suck mah nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts.)

Anyway, I was talking to Kieren a while ago about Konami's, now infamous, E3 presentation. Seeing as how Tokyo Game Show has now passed (it sucked ass), now seems like a good time to bring up news from three months ago and show you... this:

(the main super awkward part is at 1:00)


Now, that was funny (and awkward) but then they took it to a whole new... revel:



I can't work out if he's on meth or just nervous but he's awesome like the wolf.

Awesome also Capcom at TGS announced they are reinventing Devil May Cry by:

A) Giving the development to a WESTERN game company. You read that right.

and

B) Turning Dante into this emo abomination with.... attitude... emo attitude.

good lord:

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Soooo verrrry tired.

There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes no one is going to post any funny comments and he has to post another six hundred words or so. Word.
That time is now, for me at least, and so the saga ends... or begins, it's all in the mind, my mind, which explains the awesome coherency of this post so far.

So here are some points of note, each of which could be expanded upon but won't be because some medication I'm taking is making me very sleepy... and you know what that means! I'm gonna sleep.

Everything doesn't have to be a joke, you know. Just things that can be related to Brett's mum and wang... so most things.

Points of Note:

1) I bolded, enlarged and coloured the 'points of note!!!!' to make myself feel big.

2) Point number 2 used to exist, then I changed something, now it doesn't. It's like, the circle of life or something.

3) You know, that prior to a few days ago I automatically assumed Hyundai was Japanese. This is despite the fact that it has the very obvious 'yoon' sound in it, a sound very characteristic of Korean speech but not as common in Japanese. It was the 'Dai' that threw me, also that most cars are made in Japan.

4) The word 'Dipthong' is funny, admit it.

5) For a game meant to be the ultimate Metroid experience Metroid: Other M is pretty meh.

6) In addition, they make Samus talk, they make her talk too much, they make her talk about dumb shit, they make me wish they'd make her shut up.
Oh and if at the end of the game they do a 'big reveal' where they show the name of the game, and then rearrange the 'M' so it is ahead of the 'Other' I'm going to lose faith in humanity.

7) Yo mamma.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ivy the Kiwi?

Yo, if you be wondering where the shit posts be at shit, then I got news for you! I started typing this a few days ago but then got sidetracked with yo' mamma... and an assignment... on how big yo' mamma's ass is...
unfortunately I couldn't come up with an adjective extreme enough to describe the sheer size of the damn thing so I've come back to the post. So here is the post in all it's postly goodness:

So Yuji Naka has got a new game coming out...in ten days! (less than that now that I've updated this post... You would think I would just delete the ten and replace it with the number of days left but that is not how I roll, catfish?)

So his new game is Ivy the Kiwi?. The question mark is part of the title by the way, maybe they'll drop it for the English release. It's about a yellow Kiwi bird who does kiwi stuff... like lay oversize eggs or whatever it is that the Kiwi has got going on.

Now, when I see a yellow bird, Yuji and Sega I think Flicky.


Ok Yuji didn't create flicky but a guy called Yoji did and they are all practically the same person anyway. I mean video game designers are all the same. Fuck you racist! You were thinking I meant Japanese weren't you? No? Well I guess karma is going to give me VD for misjudging you... that whore.


Anyway, did you know that in the English release of Flicky the director was called 'K.Fuzzy'. Isn't that amazing? It is the same as Brett's mum's pen name for all those cosmo letters... alright I'm going to lay off bagging out Brett's mum.... which is better than her laying on me. Am I right guys?


So yeah, this Kiwi game should just star Flicky, or at least that dude from New Zealand Story, remember him? Taito published that though... you know that the name of the dude in New Zealand story was Tiki? You learn something new everyday... something stupid new but still new... and stupid.


Why the hell make a game about a Kiwi anyway? Even if you go to NZ the only place you see them is in a zoo.... and they are not even yellow! If someone said to me 'hey, i'm making a movie with a kiwi in it' I would think either:
A) That there was a New Zealander in the film.
B) The film would suck ass.
or
C) That the film contained one of those dumb fruits that is, for some weird reason, hairy.


I don't know why anyone wants to eat something that grows hair, even if it is a good source of Omega 3. What I want to know is who was the genius who first picked up a kiwi fruit and thought ' This is a hairy fruit... I should eat this.'

No doubt some kiwi... the bird, not the local. Whatever.


So, I was originally going to talk about how amazing it is that Sega is making good games now ( I know I've talked about it in the past but FUCK, this is SEGA and they are making GOOD games now. That's a big fuckin' deal, fuckin'). So I will leave you with these words of wisdom: I was watching one of the countdowns on MAX the other night and it was the Party Anthems top 50. I hadn't even heard number 13 (around there)... it was by Blondie. The End.

Go forth, with this knowledge.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tell me this wasn't worth waiting 9 days for.

I took a dump last night. Yes, it is true.

They say that toilet humour is the lowest link the humour chain. Think about it for a moment though, without the lowest link there would be more chain* and as Streets of Rage taught us, chains are essential for beating down guys who look like Paul Reiser. So in order to stave off Mad about You actors I impart this gift to thee.

So this dump was no ordinary dump. In an alternate universe where Will To Power was written on the toilet, this would have been described as the UberDump.

This was no ordinary dump. It was so huge that it was almost like a Shitopolis, where other shits wandered around inside and lived their shitty lives, with smiling faeces, all under the watchful gaze of a King Shit.

Yeah, anyway it was epic.

'Spose I should talk about something not related to waste.

Well, given the above introduction I guess now would be a good time to announce that I restarted Final Fantasy XIII.

Now I know what you are thinking 'Didn't you say FFXIII was terrible?... man, brett has a fine ass'. Yes I did but after losing my save for some reason I thought that I would start the game again.

I've read people's posts online on how you have to play the game in a particular way, seemingly glitching the battle system, for it to be fun.... and they were right. It still is a poor excuse for a final fantasy game but I don't want to kill myself when I turn it on. I just got up to the point where I quit and this point is especially badly designed but supposedly things get good around the corner.
*or the chain would be of higher quality... whatever.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Make some sense people. Make. Some. Sense.

I've been complaining to Kieren recently about a singer that I've heard every friggen time I walk into a store. At the time I didn't know their name but now I do and it turns out it is a band: Paramore.

Now I'm sure Paramore has their fans and that I'm not listening to their music properly because I don't have that special something in my brain that they are trying to appeal to but Paramore, to me, suck ass.

This isn't about how much they suck ass though, as there are many bands out there that do. This is about making sense of what the hell modern day musicians are talking about.

Now in Paramore's famous single 'The only exception' the lyrics go a little something like-a dis:

'And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, if it don't exist but darling you are the only exception and you are the only exception, yes you are the only... etc"

Now I think what the singer is trying to say is: I didn't think love existed but you came in and changed my mind.

but really it reads as: I'm never going to sing about love if it doesn't exist, but i'll sing about you for the hell of it.

I don't know if I'm right on this because the sentence does strange things to my brain but anyway it gets on my nerves. Then on the train I was playing a music game on my PSP and I came across another song that made no sense.

Now, before I write the lyrics keep in mind that A) the songwriter is Korean writing in English) and B) the song is called 'Power of Dream' ... not 'Power of Dreams' or 'The power of the dream'.

'We don't know the game, we don't know the rules, so we know just what to do.'

zuh?

I'm not going to rag on it anymore because it's really more an example of 'Konglish' (as my Korean associates call it) than anything else. Konglish sounds like it is the language of Donkey Kong. I know that Monkey, his name is Donkey.

There are many more examples which I can't think of right now.

Did you know the lyrics to Daddy Cool aren't 'He's crazy like a fool... what about Daddy Cool?' but actually 'She's crazy like a fool, wild about Daddy Cool'. That makes so much more sense.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

When I was born my mother gave me the gift of aids.... that's a terrible thing to say, terrible but funny.

You know Dave Chappelle was originally going to be Bubba in Forrest Gump? That's messed up.


I've been away from a computer for a while but I'll be back... and so will you.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Cheeseburger of Cheese.

It is well known that the nerdiest thing to possibily do is to read a multi part fantasy series. Well, maybe writing a multi part fantasy series while watching back to back episodes of Star Trek while listening to Rush and eating pizza on commerative X-Wing plates is more nerdy but you get the idea.

So today I went out to get George RR Martin's first book in the Song of Ice and Fire series (which I just discovered is being picked up by HBO) and they didn't have it. Instead I picked up a Terry Goodkind book, mainly because he had so many there I figured he must be decent. Then on returning home I find it is the second in a series.
Damn you Goodkind! How about writing that somewhere on the cover/back or first few pages!

This is my fault for wanting to read fantasy.

The last fantasy series I read was called 'The Book of Words'... I don't even need to make a joke about the title, it works on it's own.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Temple of Doom is temple of...awesome.

I've been muchos sick recently which is why there hasn't been any new posts, that and I couldn't think of anything to write about. In fact, I can't think of anything to write about now either but if I don't update at least bimonthly I get attacked on the street by samurai gypsies... it's an increasing problem these days.

So in the past month or so I did the incredible and finished Phantasy Star IV. It was something I always wanted to do but I was put of by how... user unfriendly it was. I figured if I didn't do it now I would never get around to it. It was grindy as all hell and I had to use a walkthrough to work out what the spells in the game actually were, not just because of the five character limit (where 'REVER' restored someone to life... I guess they meant 'revert') but just weird name choices as well. Supposedly 'GIFOI' means 'Big fireball'. Logical.

Anyway for an rpg it was surprisingly short but it felt epic and it had heart and junk. Also there was a dude called 'Raja' who wasn't indian but he was an alien who wore a turban. That's racist, Sega.

So that's what's been happening in my world, that and brain seizures or whatever the hell these things are. Also I watched Temple of Doom... still awesome.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Life lessons from Sega

Altered Beast Life Lesson:

If you consume balls, it will make you stronger. If you consume four balls in quick sucession you will become a beast!

Columns Life Lesson:

Stacking stuff on top of other stuff can be fun.... just not much.

Golden Axe:

If you hit small people loot will come out.

House of the Dead Life Lesson:

Goldman will make you suffer like G did.

Jet Set Radio:

In Japan, knowledge of the English language is not required to write a song in English... in fact, it usually makes it better... SUPER...... BROTHER...

Landstalker:

A hero named Nigel is no less of a hero, he is just more of a fag.

Phantasy Star Life Lesson:

'Replacing 'PH' with 'F" made things sound cool in the 80's.

Shinobi III Life Lesson:

Despite popular opinion hoverboards DO work on water... ninjas ride them.

Shining Force:

If you talk enough to people who look important they will eventually join you.

Yogurt is awesome and pointless.

Sonic Life Lesson:

If you jump on computers you will eventually gain invincibility.

Streets of Rage Life Lesson:

In the darkest of hours a mandroid that is half chinese, half android will come to your aid.

Note that mandroid works both in the sense of 'Man' and 'Droid' but also as a combination of 'Mandarin' and 'Droid'. That is how awesome my naming skillz does be.

Now some of you out there are probably thinking that an android is an automated intelligence while what i've described is more of a cyborg. Well, here is why he is an android:
A) Mandroid sounds cool
B) I believe that the mechanical parts of his body consist of both a cybernetic intelligence and are completely seperated from his biological functions. So yeah... seeing myself write theories like this makes me worry that the medication I take may be out of date.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Beardy Mc Noah

Oh My Stars! It's an update!

I was waiting for Kieren to post about how he finished Phantom Hourglase (Zelda) on the plane but he didn't so I guess it didn't happen.

Now on to the matter at hand. You may have known about this but I sure as hell didn't.
This was a game that was released on a cart back in 1994, look familiar?

Yes! That's right! It is a blatant Pacman rip off..
I mean Wolfenstein!

How.... how.... how did this happen??
Now, this wasn't a licensed game but it still was for sale... and ughhh... what?

Super 3d Noah's Ark is it's name if anyone is interested.

Anyway, I'm tired, I'll post more soon... promise... maybe.
Also I'm playing through Phantasy Star on the Ultimate Mega Drive collection to build up my Sega RPG cred (IV is really good) and the programming was credited to 'Sweeper'. So now in my mind the whole game was created by Scruffy........ the Janitor.
Second.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Brain damage is the future.

So my viewership is down to Daniel and the occasional passer by looking for some Altered Beast references.

Why is the viewership down? Because Kieren is in Singapore. We all know that Singapore doesn't have electricity or even the wheel.


Originally I wrote something pretty offensive (and completely insane) here stating that the reason Singapore didn't have electricity was because the populace were actually aliens, but like, those second class citizen aliens that in Star Trek episodes are like a sub species of the main race and are taught by the Trek crew that they are actually every bit as worthwhile as their leading race... or something.


Anyway it was an excuse to post a picture of this cat:

If they ran him up a flagpole I know I'd salute.



This post has become somewhat derailed.

Anyway the point is Kieren is in transit to Singapore which, contrary to popular belief, has the wheel and maybe electricity to even but while he's on the plane he won't have access to this site... because it's one of those human powered flying bicycle fandangos:

The guy in that photo has a mad hat.

What the hell did I eat earlier today?

I was originally going to talk about Phantasy Star IV or something but I should probably just end this post before I breach the space time continuum with my awesomeness.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

My best friend sucks his best friend's nuts.

Hey, it be one of them thingys... umm... what was it called? An... update! Yeah that's it, I remember those.

I've been easing up on the updates as Kieren has been on the road in the middle of Australia and Daniel has been here. Also the last post pretty much turned into a forum so I was happy to let it just go but that seems to have died out now so I guess I should update... and here the update be.


Anyway, so it turns out Shining Force IV actually exists... well, not really. I've been playing a PSP game called Jeanne D'arc (which i've been playing for years but whatever) that IS Shining Force IV. Turns out it has some of the same team maybe.

It has the charm (moreso maybe), the story, the awesome and a whole lot more.

As you can see from the picture it is pretty historically accurate too:

I've talked about this game (may have even made the same joke) before so I'll shut up now but next time you come down Dan, I'll lend you the PSP so you can experience the forceness.

ummm, and we are being ruled by a dame, what's up with that?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lost my phone and e3 is awesome.

My phone is at the girlfriend's place so don't try to call me.

Anyway, after E3 day one I was pretty underwhelmed. I wasn't home last night and after the first day of E3 I wasn't eager to check up on the news (by the way Microsoft pulled a Sega and said 'new (version) of the console is coming out... today!) but then I did and whoooooo boy!

New Zelda
New Kid Icarus
New Paper Mario
3DS is awesome (analog!!!) and will feature remake of Metal Gear Solid 3 (which means it is damn powerful)
No Vitality Sensor (that can only be good news)
New Donkey Kong done by the Metroid Prime dudes.


Holy shit is all I can say.

Konami are also having a press conference later which was my main draw to the show and Capcom have yet to announce anything.
Should be awesome.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Contra: Hard Corps (the hard Genesis one) gets a sequel

http://gamevideos.1up.com/video/id/29819

Days after Kieren and I were talking about it (still can't believe he beat this game, it was considered to be x10000balls times harder than the other games in the series...) a sequel appears.

Hosted by a japanese dude I want to hug.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Enter the Awesome

Right now I've got the flu like Brett's mum has herpes: Viscously (not a typo). Don't ask me what that means, I'm having a fever dream.


It was only two years ago, or maybe a bit more... couldn't be bothered checking wiki, that Metal Gear Solid 4 came out. The final episode in the Metal Gear Saga at least chronologically, was awesome despite the Internet hate it gets now, and I blogged the fuck out of it.
Now, the part sequel/part side story is coming here in less than a week and of course, it will be awesome. The size and members of the design team is supposedly the same as that for MGS4 so it's got to be hella good.
I can pretty much guarantee that I will get more joy out of this game than anything western developed, something about the Japanese dedication to making a game that works and has it's own rules over the western ideals of making it look good and showing off how much money was spent on it just speaks to me.

Anyway what I've been meaning to say is that recently there has been a drought of good Japanese games here. But within the space of a month we are getting: Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Super Mario Galaxy 2 Kieren is going crazy over and (the long awaited by me) Dragon Quest IX (For Daniel, that's the series the creators of Shining Force originally worked on. If you recall an anime game I was once playing where when your party members died in battle they would follow you around in little coffins, that was DQVIII).


Also just announced and coming out tomorrow, is the Megaman Zero collection:




Four of the GBA's best platformers (supposedly) on one cart. I played a bit of the second game and it was quite awesome.

So there is my gaming wishlist for the rest of the year and partway into next.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Scarefest 2010.... and other tales of terror... or lame... probably lame.

SCAREFEST! 2010!

Check out my terrifying font changing skillz.

What?

Oh right. Coming the weekend that Daniel is down, or some other time if he pikes: Scarefest 2010!!!

There are three exclamation points going on there, with that much enthusiastic punctuation you know it has to be terrible!!! Also, I don't know if the inaugural fest is allowed to have a year number behind it but I'm putting it there anyway to gain credibility with the masses (you, are the masses... with those fat buttocks).

So, what is this scarefest? A marathon run of Big Bang Theory? The infamous 'Brett's mum' video? Fashion shopping with the wife and her gay friends?

No, well maybe the video will make an appearance if we get really drunk (like coma drunk) Scarefest is where we all get together, get drunk and watch horror films... or wag our genitals at each other until it becomes awkward... four hours in.


So here is the well researched agenda:

One from each category in any order. Feel free to give your own suggestions.



Film Category 1: The spooky one: Paranormal Activity, Rec, Orphanage or Village of the Damned.



Film Category 2: The so-bad-it-is-bad-but-we-are-getting-tipsy-about-now: Children of the Corn Remake, Jason X (Jason... IN SPACE!), Leprechaun 5: in da hood (not making that up... Edit: Oh fuck there is a sequel too!), or whatever other crap is in the $1 bin.



Film Category 3: The bloody one: Texas Chainsaw (I'm guessing it's bloody)... and whatever else... I'm not big on the genre.



Film Category 4: The Awesome one: Zombieland (I hear good things), Bad Taste, Tremors 1-3 etc.



I'll come up with better films in the last two categories when I'm not suffering from the flu.






'I watched nine Boston Legals before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek'

30 Rock season 3 is gold.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Deus Ex 3 trailer is awesome

Damn blogger, keeps saying there is an error when I go to publish then deletes the post. Damn this city!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Hola.

'Spose I should update this thing, since it is all you live for.

So, long time no hear from the Dan, thinking he might have got shot in 'Nam, or fell asleep on the can... not that I give a damn.

Wow, this post be going places.

Anyway Daniel, what's been doing in melbourne? Ridden any trams yet, if you catch my drift?
My drift being that I'm asking if you've been on a tram.
Friggen Melbourne, it's not 1930's anymore. Is it?

I've been looking into scary films again as I do every 8 months or so and have actually that actually sounds quite awesome (though not scary).

The film is called Pontypool and is about a virus that is spread through spoken language (makes perfect scientific sense) which means that everyone has to stop speaking if they don't want to catch it.
It's canadian and reportedly quite a good watch.

Be warned though, I just looked up a photo of the director and he was wearing a cowboy hat.

Monday, May 24, 2010

True Blood, despite featuring vampires, does not suck.

^Sorry for the pun, I didn't even mean for it to be there despite it being the most obvious thing ever.
EVER!

So, what's the deal? Is it possible for a HBO show to suck?
I don't think so.

True Blood is about as far from you can get from the show I was expecting.
After reading the synopsis I was pretty sure this show wasn't for me.
Vampires start living amongst people after the Japanese invent synthetic blood.
Gay. I was expecting a Blade type scenario.

The show itself is really more of a family drama however, with vampires in the background now and then. It's like the creator wrote a clever drama and then shoved in the occasional vampire to increase viewership.

I'm not saying you should all run out there and buy it, I'd still rank it below Deadwood (slightly) and about on par with Canivale, if you want a decent show however then this is quite the good.
Plus it has vampires.

A friend of mine keeps on trying to get me to watch The Shield but I'm really not big on the genre, anyone had any experience? Aside from the nutsac police officer in the Family Guy parody?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Scrubs got scrapped.

It was kind of inevitable since JD left but yeah, Scrubs has been cancelled.

Supposedly Season 9 does run a complete season (only 13 eps though) and does have a conclusion.

As you can see, the new cast does look kind of faggy but still, it is sad to see one of the few still running shows we all watch get cancelled.

The creator has moved onto 'Cougar Town' which reportedly blows ass.

I guess we'll all have to just move onto the amazing, totally fresh, completely hilarious, never to be topped Big Bang Theory... right guys? Right? Guys?

Oh, you've all killed yourselves.

In game news Sonic 4: EP. 1 has been delayed until the end of the year (it's weird to delay a three level game) and Mario Galaxy 2 has been getting across the board tens.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Don't you cry no more.


So I was walking past the cinemas the other day and in the distance I spot the above sign. I saw a woman with shiny eyes and a bright light behind her but couldn't make out anything else but the words 'Carrie on' and the number '2'.
[
'HOLY SMOKES! They are making Carrie 2. A sequel to a movie that already has a sequel, that's totally awesome' I said to myself.
[
I was in a rush so I walked around for the rest of the day with a glowing smile, knowing that, somwhere there was a batshit crazy director who was making movies just for me.
[
Of course when I walked back past the cinema later in the day I saw that it was actually an advertisement for 'Sex in the City 2' which is being mad by some sell out crazy director who is making movies specifically to spite me.
[
I died a lot inside that day...
[
[
[
ps. If you are wondering why there are a lot of '['s it's because blogger isn't recognizing spacing for some reason. I blame it and everything that's wrong with humanity on 'Sex in the city'... also 'Big Bang Theory', it was just on tv and it made me want to blow my brains out... like using actual wind, ass wind. You know how much ass wind you need for that kind of damage? ....Seriously, I'm asking a question here!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Vote One for Tan Phan

OMG politics from WisefromyourGwave? Is this the end of times? Was that hobo with the cardboard sign right?

No.


I was rushing around trying to complete an assignment the other day at uni and it turned out that it was the union voting day. Union Voting day is a lot of fun... if you like being annoyed by dudes shoving pamphlets in your face saying 'Vote for Vin, representing your beliefs and interests'.

Now, I have no idea who Vin is, and I'm pretty sure to be representing my interests he'd have to be attending the election meetings in a business suit with one of those tweedledum propeller hats on his head... work a dong in there too for extra points... and I've yet to see that. Yes, I know, I've lead a sheltered life.

So anyway, after being annoyed by fifty of these dudes I come across this one Vietnamese guy who is completely blocking the pathway (which was an overpass everyone had to go over) I am on. Normally, they stick to one side but this guy was in the middle with his arms outstretched. Pamphlets in each hand.
He kind of looked like he was charging up his power or something.

Everyone had to bump into this guy to get to the other side (so kudos on his choice of location) and as they approached he would scream: (name has been changed)

'VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN, VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN!!!!'

Now usually when someone wants you to vote they give you a reason, so 'Vote for Jim, looking after your environmental concerns'. With this guy it was more like I should "VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN' because he is 'VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN!'.

And the weirder thing was that he would say 'VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN' as if it was the reason you should be voting for him. So you would take a pamphlet and you'd get 'VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN, VOTE ONE FOR TAN PHAN.'

That's right, he would say it twice as you took it.
I'm sure after five minutes the dude would be completely exhausted because in the fifteen seconds that I was within earshot I heard him say it about fifty times.

The sad thing is that out of all the people whose faces he screamed into I'm probably the only person who thought about what he was doing for more than one second.

And I didn't even vote... one for Tan Phan.
Dammit! It's lodged in the brain now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Attention! AMAZING NEWS:

I just found out that in Metal Gear Solid 4, if you punch the enemy in the groin, they fall unconscious.

That is all.

More posts post wednesday. My assignments are nearly complete.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Dudes fixing the house with loud power tools + Need to do assignment = brain damage

Alright, it is well and truly past Wednesday but in my defence I had to sit in two hours of traffic at Parramatta and then was angry.


So here is my slagging of the RPG so big, that other RPGS that came out that month were turned on by it:

White Knight Chronicles:

^When you see it, you won't be able to not see it ever again.

Anyway what's so bad about FFXIII?

- It's an RPG where you are on rails the whole time. Paper Mario, a RPG that was restricted to a 2d plane had about 500x more exploration than this game.

If I wanted to be stuck on rails I would have jumped in front of the 8:30 to Downtown. Disturbing but to the point.

- The game has battles and cutscenes, that's it. No one to talk to, nothing to do aside from watch and fight.

If I wanted nothing to do I would do nothing... obviously.

- The cutscenes have the worst pacing in the world. Someone will say 'The leader said that he hates all those from this town', then you will get a ten minute flashback cutscene of the leader saying 'I hate all those from this town' giving no extra information whatsover. So why have the flashback?

If I wanted bad pacing I would have... I don't know... got a bunch of dudes drunk and forced them to march to the Rastafarian remix of Royal Britannia.

-The battle system REQUIRES that at the start of the battle you select 'Autobattle' (the only option I might add) with the only input from the player being basically 'behave like a fighter/behave like a mage'.

If I wanted someone to do something for me I'd hire brett's mum.

-One of the main parts of the story is trying to work out which people are aliens. You can guess who is though within about five seconds as all the aliens have Australian accents. Because Australians sound like aliens.

If I wanted to talk to Australian aliens I'd go outside without my aluminium foil hat. Or to Chinatown.

- It cost over 100 million dollars to make and was the fastest selling entry in the series.

I'm depressed.

Anyway I planned this to be epic, funny and ... epic but I've been busier than yo ass over a triple decker chocolate cake... fatty.

I've fixed the comments btw, no more word verification, let the spam begin!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Coming Wednesday!


Did I press the delete button?
Or did the delete button press me?... in my special area.
I just wrote out a paragraph about why you should be hyped for my Wednesday FFXIII lovefest, where we would lavish praise upon the single greatest piece of entertainment media ever created (that has the name Final Fantasy XIII) but as I was about to press the publish button it got deleted.
Will of the Gods? or implanted nanomachines instructing me to perform corporate will?
You decide.
Anyway tune back wednesday when I will be locked in a room at uni not doing an assignment that I should be doing.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Soes.... I guesses I should try this galaxy of Mario thing.


I've been bedridden (or sofaridden... ridden something) these last four days because of some stomach flu bug that has been unleashing hell on my insides (coughing up blood and everything, awesome).

Also, due to poor timing, I can't access my bank so I can't even go get lunch ( on the plus side of everyone else, this limits the spread of the disease... but I want a burger dammit... so I can vomit up something tasteful. I think over 50% of this post so far has been in parenthesis).
So anyways, I'm getting to the point where looking at a screen doesn't result in a mind shattering headache that burns out retinas, medulla oblongatas and brain cells and I figure I should do something with this time instead of just sleeping.

Now I was browsing this thing called the internets and I came upon a dude who was talking about his favourite games and while they didn't synch up with mine, they were all games I had a lot of fun with.

In the middle of this list was Super Mario Galaxy which he put above Devil May Cry 3, which quite frankly is some kind of crazy talk. Though he did put Demon's Souls above both so I guess I can respect the list again.

So, this mcduder states that this game is so awesome that it is somewhere between Demon's Souls and Devil May Cry 3 in awesomeness. Two of the most awesome things ever.

Here's a confession, despite finishing Kieren's copy for him, I have never played the majority of Super Mario Galaxy.

I'll let that sink in for a second.

Your jaw off the floor yet?

Ok good.
Now before you go all "HAVEN'T PLAYED IT? GO AND FUCKING GET WAGGLING YOU STINKING JEW!", let me explain what happens every time I try to play this game.

Also, just a side note, I recently read a post that asked people to list their favourite game they have never got around to finishing and Super Mario Galaxy was the second most listed game behind Okami.


So this is what happens every time I boot up the game.


Start the game, princess gets kidnapped.
Brain: Ok this is decent, let's get moving.
Play a few levels.
Brain: Hey I'm having fun, this is pretty cool. Wish you could use the controller.
Get up to the first level where you get the bumble bee suit and do the boss there.
Brain: Wow, that was really fun.
Get transported back to hub world.
Brain: I had fun.... but wow, look how much I've got left to do... wow, suddenly I have no motivation to play this game. I feel like I've gotten all I'm gonna get from it.
What's the point in going to the next level again?
Fuck the wiimote sucks.

Eject Disc
Brain: Phew, let's play something with a bit more story.
Puts in Final Fantasy XIII
Brain: Oh hey this looks goo...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel that Galaxy would have been better off as a portable game, just get a star or two when you are on the train. I enjoyed 64 but I never would have finished it if it weren't on the DS.

So with Mario Galaxy 2 around the corner (though Nintendo's two other big titles that were coming a month later just got delayed... maybe just because they were so close to Galaxy) I figure I have reason to play through the first. It just feels so daunting however. And this is coming from someone who got half way through Demon's Souls (the game where the standard player death count for the first level is 60+).

If it is half as awesome as DMC3 though I'd dig it but I'm not gay for Mario like everyone else. Super Paper Mario really soured me to the dude.

Also has anyone heard about 3D Dot Heroes? looks awesome.
That took an hour to friggen update because there was an error. Friggen hell.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Yes, they actually called him that.

At this moment I'm Ill-a than Godzilla... if he had the runs.
Yep, I'm sick, violently.

So, in the few seconds before I pass out, let me walk you through the top 5 Metal Gear Stupid names.

Intro:
Metal Gear is cool because it keeps it's 8-bit-isms. In regards to games from the 8-bit era that have a story (being fat and chasing a princess is not a story) most series have shaken off their 8-bit embarrassments. You won't see anyone in Zelda say 'I AM ERROR' anymore and hell, Samus is going to talk in the next Metroid.
It is interesting then to see that Metal Gear, a series famed for it's complex storyline, not only keeps all the goofy crap but embraces it.

Fuck.

Anyway I'm not explaining anymore, just read these funny names and be funnied up, or some shit. I think I just lost one of my eyes.

5. Laughing Octopus: (Metal Gear Solid 4)
Really there are about fifty names I could have put here 'Big Mama', 'The End', "Raging Raven' (and these are all post millenium change), but whatever. When I hear the name Laughing Octopus an image of an octopus laughing comes into mind... whoa. In the world of the game though LO is actually a horrific woman who can disguise hereself as... an octopus, or is an octopus or something.
It made sense at the time.

4. Fatman (Metal Gear Solid 2)
MGS2 is probably my least favourite game in the MGS series.
Fatman is definitely my least favourite boss in the MGS series.
Brett is gay.

This is one of the few times that Konami has tried to make a character with a dumb name cool and it has backfired.
Fatman is the opposite of cool, he is fat... and not party hawaiian fat either, we are talking white sumo fat.
He also drops bombs and wears rollerskates... awesome game konami.

3. Solid Snake. (Metal Gear Solid 1)

How... how did this happen?
How... how did they make him somehow cool?

That's right, the fact that you are not only Snake but SOLID SNAKE in the game makes you feel so cool, you are told so many times how cool it is that your are Solid Snake (as opposed to your rival liquid snake) that it almost makes you forget that your name is also shared by a rather sturdy wang.

2. Black Color (Metal Gear 2[1990])

He dresses in black! That's not racist! It's just a colour!
Anyway, the boss Black Color is the only boss in Metal Gear history to get a name change in subsequent releases. I feel for you Black Color, don't let it keep you down, it's not bad to be a Black Color, no matter what Konami says.

1. Higharolla Kockamamie (Snake's Revenge)

I don't know what I can say other than I shit you not.

Now, in 1990 Snake's Revenge was kicked out of the Metal Gear Canon (wonder why) and Higharolla is said to be the result of some disgruntled, or high, translator. Either way, it is the single greatest name in the history of humanity.


Extra life:

Big Boss:

Say 'Big Boss is a dumb name' to anyone who has played Metal Gear Solid 3 and they will punch your throat out, i'm not sure how that happens but I guess it would hurt. Yes, like Solid Snake they make it cool somehow.
Still in the first Metal Gear back in ye olde 1987 Big Boss was your mentor who SHOCK HORROR turned out to be the last boss in the game, one might say he was the BIG boss of the game.
Of course, in Konami's credit they could have made it more obvious, they could have called him:
'Final Boss'
or
'The dude who is actually evil n shit'
but they didn't.

Also he looks like James Bond.

Monday, April 26, 2010

FoxDie / You want pointless bitching that helps no one with anything? You got it!

MGS4 Rant

FoxDie, the name of the virus that kills all members of Foxhound in Metal Gear Solid.
It has been unleashed.... on my gaming collection.

Given that the next mainline Metal Gear Solid game is going to be released in two months (on the PSP no less... with the budget of the PS3 game!) I thought I'd go back and play through 4 one last time.

Unfortunately, everytime I booted it up last night the PS3 froze.

Being my most treasured game of this gen, it has only ever left it's case to be played and has a special place on the shelf.
I looked at the disc and there is a tiny spot on it, even after removal though it doesn't work.

I read that this has happened to a lot of people though no one knows the reason, some people suggested it was firmware, I updated... freeze. Some people suggested it was conflicting firmware so I formatted... freeze.

Then I finally found (after losing all my data for everything) that supposedly MGS4 is super sensitive because of all the data (dual layering and such) that the slightest dot can screw the disc.
Annoying!

Anyway so I thought I would go play MGS1, which is the game in the series i'm least familiar with. I had the gamecube version but I wanted to play through the original PS1 version (reportedly better) which I acquired a few years back for 4 bucks.
This was brand new, in the case, shrinkwrapped.
Bam, didn't work.

It was four o'clock in the morning so I was confused. I put on MGS2 and... it worked and then so did my cube MGS1.
Friggin strange though.

So it looks like I have to rebuy MGS4 eventually. It is a lot cheaper now but still.... rrrgh damn Kojima... you are gonna give me a stroke... again.

It's almost enough for me to stop considering it as the best thing ever... almost...

Futurama:Into the Wild Green Yonder Rant

Ok so I was channel surfing in the hour or so I had free yesterday, and I turned on Futurama. It was an episode I knew I had seen but it seemed very unfamiliar. Low and behold it was Into the Wild Green Yonder (I know, such a shock considering I put the name in the title).

I ended up watching the whole thing and I may have been a bit harsh on it previously. It is not totally devoid of humour and if you are kind of half paying attention to it (instead of watching it intently) it is pretty entertaining.
Still no where near Beast with a Billion Backs or the fourth season but decent enough.

Star Trek Rant

Ok, I'm five billion years late but I finally saw Star Trek (or some of it anyway). I got up to the point where Nimoy comes into it (that last sentence, that was a spoiler, so don't read it if you haven't seen the film) and I was pretty bummed.
It's a decent enough film but... come on Trekkies... this is what the big fuss was about? I was told that it blew all previous Star Treks out of the water, that it was more edgy, more action packed and more serious.

It was just the same as every other Star Trek movie but with a different cast. It was kind of trying to be Battlestar Galactica but never went as far, stayed within the safe Star Treky boundaries, which made it feel like less of a reinvention and more of just another entry.
Not that that is bad, it was entertaining, it just was by the numbers entertainment.

I should probably watch the rest of the film before bagging it, and not watch it on a two inch screen as well, but what fun would that be?

I need to watch this film surrounded by a group of nerds (AKA: You guys), maybe I would appreciate it more.

I had a great ending here but I thought it was a bit too hilarious.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Saga Begins

Every year around September Kieren vows to get a bar fridge by year end and every New Year, no bar fridge.

Well, now I have one, granted I need it more than Kieren does but it still kills me a bit inside.
So Kieren, take this as a insult or something, do not let me laud my fridge in your face (sounds hot) go out and buy a bigger, better fridge and live the dream you were destined for!

Anyway, I went out and filled it with my basic needs: six bottles of Pepsi and some Yogo.

I also picked up Pepsi Diet, which has 1kj more of energy than Max. My hips are going to hate me.

Coming Soon: A month after release we look at why Final Fantasy XIII is the biggest groin kick in the history of humanity.

Here's a taste, at the start of the game a man is asking for volunteers to fight off an invading army (or some shit) a woman steps forward, the man asks 'Are you sure?' to which she replies 'Mums are tough!'
Also everyone in the game looks like an Asian version of Yahoo Serious.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Going down.

So I finally took the plunge and descended into descent... downwards.

Put it on my old computer because laptop don't feel like it is the place to game.
It's very descenty but with nicer graphics and robots that say 'Freeze' and then attack you instead of just attacking you like the original.
That's five years of progress going on there, people.
You can also go outside (in the game... I mean you can go outside yourself too, but that might lead to an encounter with a fat woman, which might lead to you being covered in butter and impaled by a giant toothpick... in the butt) which the game seems to make a big deal of.

One thing that is messed up though (in the butt) is the mouse control. To put it simply (in the butt) it's fucked. Keyboard controls work just like they used to so that is the way to go.

I've only played one mission so it's early days yet but so far it captures the feeling of Descent (in the butt) while adding that new game smell, new for 1999 anyway which is as new as I want to get.

Brett has a fine ass.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Missing Descent

All of us played through Descent 1 and 2 back in the day (remember the Thief bot? what a douche) but none of us played through the critically acclaimed third game in the series. Probably because none of us finished the first two games but whatever.

All I remember is that Kieren destroyed his computer (not literally) by recording twenty four hours (or somefink) of Descent back in the day.

Anyway for some stupid reason I've recently been thinking about playing the third game, it's available for literally the price of chips and... you know... is a missing part of our history or whatever.

I've held off because A) I like chips and B) Since the first two were basically giant mazes I assume the third is too, I'm sure the frustration of getting lost would turn me off about four seconds in (yo mamma).

So what is the point of this post then?
Fuck and you.

The movie Descent was pretty good... it didn't have robots though... or any ties to the game in any way shape or form... it may have had boobies though, and isn't that what Descent is all about?
No.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Day of Hell

I fainted in a doctor's office today, awesome.
A small faint is usually an indication of a mother faint coming up which was great news considering I had to drive for an hour to get home.

I pulled into a Macdonalds to get some lunch and then started on my way back home.
As I was driving 100kph on a the motor way I look down and see a fucking spider on the handbrake.
Not just a spider but a fucking exotic looking one, with white broken lines down it and different colour legs.

I did what any rational thinking man would do, I freaked the fuck out. I swerved a little but surprisingly mainted control. The damn thing then moved under the handbrake and, while trying to maintain car control, I looked around for something to squish it.
Then in my peripheral vision I saw the damn thing jump. JUMP!
It jumped into the passanger seat area then disappeared.

I made it back home without further incident but I swear I could feel it crawling on me on the way home. Hopefully it didn't hitch a ride on my back or something.
Rest assured that car will be bombed the fuck full of insect spray.

So the lesson we have learnt here today is that Macdonalds is fucked. It happened to Kieren when he went, it happened to me.

Also i've said in the past that it doesn't matter if the spider is poisonous that I just don't like the look of them.
Changed my mind. It fucking matters.

Ridicurous

I laughed out loud in a lecture today. We had a Japanese guest lecturer (who was actually quite good and I feel bad making fun of her but it is all in good fun) and she said something, gave an example and then said

'and it goes on brah brah brah'

I let out this shrill 'HA' and I had half the lecture theatre turn around (well, the people in it anyway) and look in my direction.

I knew I went back to uni for a good reason.

It's not racist, it's just funny that I laughed at an inappropriate time... right?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Let the Posting Begin! Now you can actually do it!

It's been brought to my attention by several special people (special in the good sense, not the brain damage sense... wait, did I get that in the right order?) that there has been problems regarding posting comments.

Anyway it's been fixed now. Praise Krisha... but not really, unless you is down with that and if you are that's cool, I'm pro-tambourine.

Macdonalds

So, I was at Macdonalds today and I noticed that they have a new muffin on the menu. The Mighty McMuffin featuring two patties, two bacon strips a egg and a whole lot of fat. Sounds awesome.

On top of that you have the family meals, I've worked out that you save approximately four to five bucks on those meals... and they come in a big box!

Five bucks may not seem like much but think about what you can do with it:

-Buy five new age trance albums
- Become a Tunku of Malayasia (look it up)
- Impress a Jewish lass

There are other more vulgar things I could imagine, most of which involving Brett's mum, a Chia-pet (now that's random) and a soiled matress but I won't go there.

Why?

Because as I was scoffing down my Macdonalds I recalled a time where the boys went to a Hungry Jacks and I was without wallet, or my card was broken or something. Anyway, I wasn't eating. Brett ordered his meal and came back with a cheeseburger for me.
Not only that, but he was humble enough to even say 'The guy just gave me this extra'. Now that is compassion man, straight up.

So Brett, I salute you, I should buy you a burger one time in thanks. Not just a Cheeseburger either, but a whole meal, because a cheeseburger while hungry is worth a Mighty Angus meal while full.

So fucking deep, put it on my tombstone... that was a cool movie.

Speaking of cool movies I could do a run of the two awesome Indiana Jones movies (Temple of Doom and Last Crusade) one night.

Also The Iv-ster and I want to organize a day trip where we go somewhere, beach or something, complain about it and then go have a mad dinner, more news to come.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Welcome to your Doom

You didn't think it was going to happen didgeya?

You had moved on with your life, accepting that you would never experience true joy again, that your best days were past you, that all you had to look forward to in the future was a busty nursing home nurse and an enlarged prostate.

Well unaccept that duderino (except for the prostate, I've heard you in the bathroom and man... you should get that checked) because much like Swine Flu 2.0, this blog is coming back at ya.




You will notice, ye that art awesome, that the name of this humble blog is from the mighty Altered Beast spoken by the Elmer Fuddish Zeus.

Altered Beast... a terrible terrible game that in it's terribleness somehow becomes awesome... and terrible. I think that pretty much sums up the existance of this blog.

Anyway, so what can you expect from this blog?

- I've decided to tone back on the curses and such and focus more on clever witty banter and the like. fart. Of course I'll still be making the funs of everyone who isn't exactly like me in every way and I'm pretty sure Brett's mum will make several apperances (in fact that is her in the picture up top... the fire is from that nasty case of thrus.... this isn't working is it?)

-I've been on a retro kick recently, retro games, retro tv, retro food (Killer Pythons are da shiznits) so, as we all are timers of the old kind and don't understand these new fandangled things like blutooth and pants, I thought we could talk about the years gone by when super men could have names that just meant male twice (He-man), where robots could turn into different robots that could join up with other robots to make a big robot (Voltron) and when Roseanne was fat...

As meatloaf would say (if Roseanne hadn't eaten him) two out of three ain't bad.

Don't worry, the lack of edit[ting and general clutter that you've come to love will remain.

You will get joy from this site forever more.

I give it two days.



POWER UP!