Soes.... I guesses I should try this galaxy of Mario thing.

I've been bedridden (or sofaridden... ridden something) these last four days because of some stomach flu bug that has been unleashing hell on my insides (coughing up blood and everything, awesome).

Also, due to poor timing, I can't access my bank so I can't even go get lunch ( on the plus side of everyone else, this limits the spread of the disease... but I want a burger dammit... so I can vomit up something tasteful. I think over 50% of this post so far has been in parenthesis).

So anyways, I'm getting to the point where looking at a screen doesn't result in a mind shattering headache that burns out retinas, medulla oblongatas and brain cells and I figure I should do something with this time instead of just sleeping.

Now I was browsing this thing called the internets and I came upon a dude who was talking about his favourite games and while they didn't synch up with mine, they were all games I had a lot of fun with.

In the middle of this list was Super Mario Galaxy which he put above Devil May Cry 3, which quite frankly is some kind of crazy talk. Though he did put Demon's Souls above both so I guess I can respect the list again.

So, this mcduder states that this game is so awesome that it is somewhere between Demon's Souls and Devil May Cry 3 in awesomeness. Two of the most awesome things ever.

Here's a confession, despite finishing Kieren's copy for him, I have never played the majority of Super Mario Galaxy.

I'll let that sink in for a second.

Your jaw off the floor yet?

Ok good.

Now before you go all "HAVEN'T PLAYED IT? GO AND FUCKING GET WAGGLING YOU STINKING JEW!", let me explain what happens every time I try to play this game.

Also, just a side note, I recently read a post that asked people to list their favourite game they have never got around to finishing and Super Mario Galaxy was the second most listed game behind Okami.

So this is what happens every time I boot up the game.

Start the game, princess gets kidnapped.

Brain: Ok this is decent, let's get moving.

Play a few levels.

Brain: Hey I'm having fun, this is pretty cool. Wish you could use the controller.

Get up to the first level where you get the bumble bee suit and do the boss there.

Brain: Wow, that was really fun.

Get transported back to hub world.

Brain: I had fun.... but wow, look how much I've got left to do... wow, suddenly I have no motivation to play this game. I feel like I've gotten all I'm gonna get from it.

What's the point in going to the next level again?

Fuck the wiimote sucks.

Eject Disc

Brain: Phew, let's play something with a bit more story.

Puts in Final Fantasy XIII

Brain: Oh hey this looks goo...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do feel that Galaxy would have been better off as a portable game, just get a star or two when you are on the train. I enjoyed 64 but I never would have finished it if it weren't on the DS.

So with Mario Galaxy 2 around the corner (though Nintendo's two other big titles that were coming a month later just got delayed... maybe just because they were so close to Galaxy) I figure I have reason to play through the first. It just feels so daunting however. And this is coming from someone who got half way through Demon's Souls (the game where the standard player death count for the first level is 60+).

If it is half as awesome as DMC3 though I'd dig it but I'm not gay for Mario like everyone else. Super Paper Mario really soured me to the dude.

Also has anyone heard about 3D Dot Heroes? looks awesome.

That took an hour to friggen update because there was an error. Friggen hell.

Yes, they actually called him that.

At this moment I'm Ill-a than Godzilla... if he had the runs.
Yep, I'm sick, violently.

So, in the few seconds before I pass out, let me walk you through the top 5 Metal Gear Stupid names.

Intro:
Metal Gear is cool because it keeps it's 8-bit-isms. In regards to games from the 8-bit era that have a story (being fat and chasing a princess is not a story) most series have shaken off their 8-bit embarrassments. You won't see anyone in Zelda say 'I AM ERROR' anymore and hell, Samus is going to talk in the next Metroid.
It is interesting then to see that Metal Gear, a series famed for it's complex storyline, not only keeps all the goofy crap but embraces it.

Fuck.

Anyway I'm not explaining anymore, just read these funny names and be funnied up, or some shit. I think I just lost one of my eyes.

5. Laughing Octopus: (Metal Gear Solid 4)
Really there are about fifty names I could have put here 'Big Mama', 'The End', "Raging Raven' (and these are all post millenium change), but whatever. When I hear the name Laughing Octopus an image of an octopus laughing comes into mind... whoa. In the world of the game though LO is actually a horrific woman who can disguise hereself as... an octopus, or is an octopus or something.
It made sense at the time.

4. Fatman (Metal Gear Solid 2)
MGS2 is probably my least favourite game in the MGS series.
Fatman is definitely my least favourite boss in the MGS series.
Brett is gay.

This is one of the few times that Konami has tried to make a character with a dumb name cool and it has backfired.
Fatman is the opposite of cool, he is fat... and not party hawaiian fat either, we are talking white sumo fat.
He also drops bombs and wears rollerskates... awesome game konami.

3. Solid Snake. (Metal Gear Solid 1)

How... how did this happen?
How... how did they make him somehow cool?

That's right, the fact that you are not only Snake but SOLID SNAKE in the game makes you feel so cool, you are told so many times how cool it is that your are Solid Snake (as opposed to your rival liquid snake) that it almost makes you forget that your name is also shared by a rather sturdy wang.

2. Black Color (Metal Gear 2[1990])

He dresses in black! That's not racist! It's just a colour!
Anyway, the boss Black Color is the only boss in Metal Gear history to get a name change in subsequent releases. I feel for you Black Color, don't let it keep you down, it's not bad to be a Black Color, no matter what Konami says.

1. Higharolla Kockamamie (Snake's Revenge)

I don't know what I can say other than I shit you not.

Now, in 1990 Snake's Revenge was kicked out of the Metal Gear Canon (wonder why) and Higharolla is said to be the result of some disgruntled, or high, translator. Either way, it is the single greatest name in the history of humanity.


Extra life:

Big Boss:

Say 'Big Boss is a dumb name' to anyone who has played Metal Gear Solid 3 and they will punch your throat out, i'm not sure how that happens but I guess it would hurt. Yes, like Solid Snake they make it cool somehow.
Still in the first Metal Gear back in ye olde 1987 Big Boss was your mentor who SHOCK HORROR turned out to be the last boss in the game, one might say he was the BIG boss of the game.
Of course, in Konami's credit they could have made it more obvious, they could have called him:
'Final Boss'
or
'The dude who is actually evil n shit'
but they didn't.

Also he looks like James Bond.

FoxDie / You want pointless bitching that helps no one with anything? You got it!

MGS4 Rant

FoxDie, the name of the virus that kills all members of Foxhound in Metal Gear Solid.
It has been unleashed.... on my gaming collection.

Given that the next mainline Metal Gear Solid game is going to be released in two months (on the PSP no less... with the budget of the PS3 game!) I thought I'd go back and play through 4 one last time.

Unfortunately, everytime I booted it up last night the PS3 froze.

Being my most treasured game of this gen, it has only ever left it's case to be played and has a special place on the shelf.
I looked at the disc and there is a tiny spot on it, even after removal though it doesn't work.

I read that this has happened to a lot of people though no one knows the reason, some people suggested it was firmware, I updated... freeze. Some people suggested it was conflicting firmware so I formatted... freeze.

Then I finally found (after losing all my data for everything) that supposedly MGS4 is super sensitive because of all the data (dual layering and such) that the slightest dot can screw the disc.
Annoying!

Anyway so I thought I would go play MGS1, which is the game in the series i'm least familiar with. I had the gamecube version but I wanted to play through the original PS1 version (reportedly better) which I acquired a few years back for 4 bucks.
This was brand new, in the case, shrinkwrapped.
Bam, didn't work.

It was four o'clock in the morning so I was confused. I put on MGS2 and... it worked and then so did my cube MGS1.
Friggin strange though.

So it looks like I have to rebuy MGS4 eventually. It is a lot cheaper now but still.... rrrgh damn Kojima... you are gonna give me a stroke... again.

It's almost enough for me to stop considering it as the best thing ever... almost...

Futurama:Into the Wild Green Yonder Rant

Ok so I was channel surfing in the hour or so I had free yesterday, and I turned on Futurama. It was an episode I knew I had seen but it seemed very unfamiliar. Low and behold it was Into the Wild Green Yonder (I know, such a shock considering I put the name in the title).

I ended up watching the whole thing and I may have been a bit harsh on it previously. It is not totally devoid of humour and if you are kind of half paying attention to it (instead of watching it intently) it is pretty entertaining.
Still no where near Beast with a Billion Backs or the fourth season but decent enough.

Star Trek Rant

Ok, I'm five billion years late but I finally saw Star Trek (or some of it anyway). I got up to the point where Nimoy comes into it (that last sentence, that was a spoiler, so don't read it if you haven't seen the film) and I was pretty bummed.
It's a decent enough film but... come on Trekkies... this is what the big fuss was about? I was told that it blew all previous Star Treks out of the water, that it was more edgy, more action packed and more serious.

It was just the same as every other Star Trek movie but with a different cast. It was kind of trying to be Battlestar Galactica but never went as far, stayed within the safe Star Treky boundaries, which made it feel like less of a reinvention and more of just another entry.
Not that that is bad, it was entertaining, it just was by the numbers entertainment.

I should probably watch the rest of the film before bagging it, and not watch it on a two inch screen as well, but what fun would that be?

I need to watch this film surrounded by a group of nerds (AKA: You guys), maybe I would appreciate it more.

I had a great ending here but I thought it was a bit too hilarious.

The Saga Begins

Every year around September Kieren vows to get a bar fridge by year end and every New Year, no bar fridge.

Well, now I have one, granted I need it more than Kieren does but it still kills me a bit inside.
So Kieren, take this as a insult or something, do not let me laud my fridge in your face (sounds hot) go out and buy a bigger, better fridge and live the dream you were destined for!

Anyway, I went out and filled it with my basic needs: six bottles of Pepsi and some Yogo.

I also picked up Pepsi Diet, which has 1kj more of energy than Max. My hips are going to hate me.

Coming Soon: A month after release we look at why Final Fantasy XIII is the biggest groin kick in the history of humanity.

Here's a taste, at the start of the game a man is asking for volunteers to fight off an invading army (or some shit) a woman steps forward, the man asks 'Are you sure?' to which she replies 'Mums are tough!'
Also everyone in the game looks like an Asian version of Yahoo Serious.

Going down.

So I finally took the plunge and descended into descent... downwards.

Put it on my old computer because laptop don't feel like it is the place to game.
It's very descenty but with nicer graphics and robots that say 'Freeze' and then attack you instead of just attacking you like the original.
That's five years of progress going on there, people.
You can also go outside (in the game... I mean you can go outside yourself too, but that might lead to an encounter with a fat woman, which might lead to you being covered in butter and impaled by a giant toothpick... in the butt) which the game seems to make a big deal of.

One thing that is messed up though (in the butt) is the mouse control. To put it simply (in the butt) it's fucked. Keyboard controls work just like they used to so that is the way to go.

I've only played one mission so it's early days yet but so far it captures the feeling of Descent (in the butt) while adding that new game smell, new for 1999 anyway which is as new as I want to get.

Brett has a fine ass.

The Missing Descent

All of us played through Descent 1 and 2 back in the day (remember the Thief bot? what a douche) but none of us played through the critically acclaimed third game in the series. Probably because none of us finished the first two games but whatever.

All I remember is that Kieren destroyed his computer (not literally) by recording twenty four hours (or somefink) of Descent back in the day.

Anyway for some stupid reason I've recently been thinking about playing the third game, it's available for literally the price of chips and... you know... is a missing part of our history or whatever.

I've held off because A) I like chips and B) Since the first two were basically giant mazes I assume the third is too, I'm sure the frustration of getting lost would turn me off about four seconds in (yo mamma).

So what is the point of this post then?
Fuck and you.

The movie Descent was pretty good... it didn't have robots though... or any ties to the game in any way shape or form... it may have had boobies though, and isn't that what Descent is all about?
No.

Day of Hell

I fainted in a doctor's office today, awesome.
A small faint is usually an indication of a mother faint coming up which was great news considering I had to drive for an hour to get home.

I pulled into a Macdonalds to get some lunch and then started on my way back home.
As I was driving 100kph on a the motor way I look down and see a fucking spider on the handbrake.
Not just a spider but a fucking exotic looking one, with white broken lines down it and different colour legs.

I did what any rational thinking man would do, I freaked the fuck out. I swerved a little but surprisingly mainted control. The damn thing then moved under the handbrake and, while trying to maintain car control, I looked around for something to squish it.
Then in my peripheral vision I saw the damn thing jump. JUMP!
It jumped into the passanger seat area then disappeared.

I made it back home without further incident but I swear I could feel it crawling on me on the way home. Hopefully it didn't hitch a ride on my back or something.
Rest assured that car will be bombed the fuck full of insect spray.

So the lesson we have learnt here today is that Macdonalds is fucked. It happened to Kieren when he went, it happened to me.

Also i've said in the past that it doesn't matter if the spider is poisonous that I just don't like the look of them.
Changed my mind. It fucking matters.

Ridicurous

I laughed out loud in a lecture today. We had a Japanese guest lecturer (who was actually quite good and I feel bad making fun of her but it is all in good fun) and she said something, gave an example and then said

'and it goes on brah brah brah'

I let out this shrill 'HA' and I had half the lecture theatre turn around (well, the people in it anyway) and look in my direction.

I knew I went back to uni for a good reason.

It's not racist, it's just funny that I laughed at an inappropriate time... right?

Let the Posting Begin! Now you can actually do it!

It's been brought to my attention by several special people (special in the good sense, not the brain damage sense... wait, did I get that in the right order?) that there has been problems regarding posting comments.

Anyway it's been fixed now. Praise Krisha... but not really, unless you is down with that and if you are that's cool, I'm pro-tambourine.

Macdonalds

So, I was at Macdonalds today and I noticed that they have a new muffin on the menu. The Mighty McMuffin featuring two patties, two bacon strips a egg and a whole lot of fat. Sounds awesome.

On top of that you have the family meals, I've worked out that you save approximately four to five bucks on those meals... and they come in a big box!

Five bucks may not seem like much but think about what you can do with it:

-Buy five new age trance albums
- Become a Tunku of Malayasia (look it up)
- Impress a Jewish lass

There are other more vulgar things I could imagine, most of which involving Brett's mum, a Chia-pet (now that's random) and a soiled matress but I won't go there.

Why?

Because as I was scoffing down my Macdonalds I recalled a time where the boys went to a Hungry Jacks and I was without wallet, or my card was broken or something. Anyway, I wasn't eating. Brett ordered his meal and came back with a cheeseburger for me.
Not only that, but he was humble enough to even say 'The guy just gave me this extra'. Now that is compassion man, straight up.

So Brett, I salute you, I should buy you a burger one time in thanks. Not just a Cheeseburger either, but a whole meal, because a cheeseburger while hungry is worth a Mighty Angus meal while full.

So fucking deep, put it on my tombstone... that was a cool movie.

Speaking of cool movies I could do a run of the two awesome Indiana Jones movies (Temple of Doom and Last Crusade) one night.

Also The Iv-ster and I want to organize a day trip where we go somewhere, beach or something, complain about it and then go have a mad dinner, more news to come.

Welcome to your Doom

You didn't think it was going to happen didgeya?

You had moved on with your life, accepting that you would never experience true joy again, that your best days were past you, that all you had to look forward to in the future was a busty nursing home nurse and an enlarged prostate.

Well unaccept that duderino (except for the prostate, I've heard you in the bathroom and man... you should get that checked) because much like Swine Flu 2.0, this blog is coming back at ya.




You will notice, ye that art awesome, that the name of this humble blog is from the mighty Altered Beast spoken by the Elmer Fuddish Zeus.

Altered Beast... a terrible terrible game that in it's terribleness somehow becomes awesome... and terrible. I think that pretty much sums up the existance of this blog.

Anyway, so what can you expect from this blog?

- I've decided to tone back on the curses and such and focus more on clever witty banter and the like. fart. Of course I'll still be making the funs of everyone who isn't exactly like me in every way and I'm pretty sure Brett's mum will make several apperances (in fact that is her in the picture up top... the fire is from that nasty case of thrus.... this isn't working is it?)

-I've been on a retro kick recently, retro games, retro tv, retro food (Killer Pythons are da shiznits) so, as we all are timers of the old kind and don't understand these new fandangled things like blutooth and pants, I thought we could talk about the years gone by when super men could have names that just meant male twice (He-man), where robots could turn into different robots that could join up with other robots to make a big robot (Voltron) and when Roseanne was fat...

As meatloaf would say (if Roseanne hadn't eaten him) two out of three ain't bad.

Don't worry, the lack of edit[ting and general clutter that you've come to love will remain.

You will get joy from this site forever more.

I give it two days.



POWER UP!