Ivy the Kiwi?

Yo, if you be wondering where the shit posts be at shit, then I got news for you! I started typing this a few days ago but then got sidetracked with yo' mamma... and an assignment... on how big yo' mamma's ass is...

unfortunately I couldn't come up with an adjective extreme enough to describe the sheer size of the damn thing so I've come back to the post. So here is the post in all it's postly goodness:

So Yuji Naka has got a new game coming out...in ten days! (less than that now that I've updated this post... You would think I would just delete the ten and replace it with the number of days left but that is not how I roll, catfish?)

So his new game is Ivy the Kiwi?. The question mark is part of the title by the way, maybe they'll drop it for the English release. It's about a yellow Kiwi bird who does kiwi stuff... like lay oversize eggs or whatever it is that the Kiwi has got going on.

Now, when I see a yellow bird, Yuji and Sega I think Flicky.

Ok Yuji didn't create flicky but a guy called Yoji did and they are all practically the same person anyway. I mean video game designers are all the same. Fuck you racist! You were thinking I meant Japanese weren't you? No? Well I guess karma is going to give me VD for misjudging you... that whore.

Anyway, did you know that in the English release of Flicky the director was called 'K.Fuzzy'. Isn't that amazing? It is the same as Brett's mum's pen name for all those cosmo letters... alright I'm going to lay off bagging out Brett's mum.... which is better than her laying on me. Am I right guys?

So yeah, this Kiwi game should just star Flicky, or at least that dude from New Zealand Story, remember him? Taito published that though... you know that the name of the dude in New Zealand story was Tiki? You learn something new everyday... something stupid new but still new... and stupid.

Why the hell make a game about a Kiwi anyway? Even if you go to NZ the only place you see them is in a zoo.... and they are not even yellow! If someone said to me 'hey, i'm making a movie with a kiwi in it' I would think either:

A) That there was a New Zealander in the film.

B) The film would suck ass.

or

C) That the film contained one of those dumb fruits that is, for some weird reason, hairy.

I don't know why anyone wants to eat something that grows hair, even if it is a good source of Omega 3. What I want to know is who was the genius who first picked up a kiwi fruit and thought ' This is a hairy fruit... I should eat this.'

No doubt some kiwi... the bird, not the local. Whatever.

So, I was originally going to talk about how amazing it is that Sega is making good games now ( I know I've talked about it in the past but FUCK, this is SEGA and they are making GOOD games now. That's a big fuckin' deal, fuckin'). So I will leave you with these words of wisdom: I was watching one of the countdowns on MAX the other night and it was the Party Anthems top 50. I hadn't even heard number 13 (around there)... it was by Blondie. The End.

Go forth, with this knowledge.

Tell me this wasn't worth waiting 9 days for.

I took a dump last night. Yes, it is true.

They say that toilet humour is the lowest link the humour chain. Think about it for a moment though, without the lowest link there would be more chain* and as Streets of Rage taught us, chains are essential for beating down guys who look like Paul Reiser. So in order to stave off Mad about You actors I impart this gift to thee.

So this dump was no ordinary dump. In an alternate universe where Will To Power was written on the toilet, this would have been described as the UberDump.

This was no ordinary dump. It was so huge that it was almost like a Shitopolis, where other shits wandered around inside and lived their shitty lives, with smiling faeces, all under the watchful gaze of a King Shit.

Yeah, anyway it was epic.

'Spose I should talk about something not related to waste.

Well, given the above introduction I guess now would be a good time to announce that I restarted Final Fantasy XIII.

Now I know what you are thinking 'Didn't you say FFXIII was terrible?... man, brett has a fine ass'. Yes I did but after losing my save for some reason I thought that I would start the game again.

I've read people's posts online on how you have to play the game in a particular way, seemingly glitching the battle system, for it to be fun.... and they were right. It still is a poor excuse for a final fantasy game but I don't want to kill myself when I turn it on. I just got up to the point where I quit and this point is especially badly designed but supposedly things get good around the corner.
*or the chain would be of higher quality... whatever.

Make some sense people. Make. Some. Sense.

I've been complaining to Kieren recently about a singer that I've heard every friggen time I walk into a store. At the time I didn't know their name but now I do and it turns out it is a band: Paramore.

Now I'm sure Paramore has their fans and that I'm not listening to their music properly because I don't have that special something in my brain that they are trying to appeal to but Paramore, to me, suck ass.

This isn't about how much they suck ass though, as there are many bands out there that do. This is about making sense of what the hell modern day musicians are talking about.

Now in Paramore's famous single 'The only exception' the lyrics go a little something like-a dis:

'And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love, if it don't exist but darling you are the only exception and you are the only exception, yes you are the only... etc"

Now I think what the singer is trying to say is: I didn't think love existed but you came in and changed my mind.

but really it reads as: I'm never going to sing about love if it doesn't exist, but i'll sing about you for the hell of it.

I don't know if I'm right on this because the sentence does strange things to my brain but anyway it gets on my nerves. Then on the train I was playing a music game on my PSP and I came across another song that made no sense.

Now, before I write the lyrics keep in mind that A) the songwriter is Korean writing in English) and B) the song is called 'Power of Dream' ... not 'Power of Dreams' or 'The power of the dream'.

'We don't know the game, we don't know the rules, so we know just what to do.'

zuh?

I'm not going to rag on it anymore because it's really more an example of 'Konglish' (as my Korean associates call it) than anything else. Konglish sounds like it is the language of Donkey Kong. I know that Monkey, his name is Donkey.

There are many more examples which I can't think of right now.

Did you know the lyrics to Daddy Cool aren't 'He's crazy like a fool... what about Daddy Cool?' but actually 'She's crazy like a fool, wild about Daddy Cool'. That makes so much more sense.

When I was born my mother gave me the gift of aids.... that's a terrible thing to say, terrible but funny.

You know Dave Chappelle was originally going to be Bubba in Forrest Gump? That's messed up.


I've been away from a computer for a while but I'll be back... and so will you.